Can We Forgive and Forget?

Forgiveness... I used to think it was something as simple as saying, "I forgive you." but it turns out that it needs a whole lot more of myself too. It’s complicated because the whole process of forgiving can make and break you, but what will pull you through is how how ready your heart is to forgive. Forgiveness can free you from heartaches, resentment and pain when you’re willing to let go of hurting someone back, but without it, you could be left with the pain and anger simmering for a lifetime.

I'm writing this post because I believe forgiving others is the hardest thing for me to do. I say this truthfully because I’m still learning to accept the fact that forgiveness would be good for me and for the decisions I make in the present and for the tomorrows. I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic and it was left in my draft for almost a week because I wanted to be in the right mindset before I do start writing my perspectives about forgiveness and forgetting.

People have hurt me in the past and I’m sure it must have happened to you many times before. What has been keeping me back is that I thought, if I forgive too easily, then I’m letting the persons who have hurt me “free”while their actions brand on me forever.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is about more than simply letting go of the cause of your pain. Forgiving is about freeing that other person while also releasing yourself from the negative emotions that weigh you down. Hatred leaves an ugly feeling inside each of us and if you notice, it makes US feel horrible. It almost feels like you’re becoming somebody else you don’t know and your life doesn’t feel the same way like how it used to be. For me personally, I can only hold so much hate for someone not longer than a few hours or a day, because hating takes so much of my time, energy and thoughts. It feels emotionally and psychologically exhausting. I think that instead of becoming somebody my mind and body struggles to live by through hatred, forgiveness can at the very least brings some relief so that the resentment won’t eat away at my heart.

Forgive and Forget?

This also brings us back to the phrase, “Forgive and forget”. Do we also need to forget what the person and the wronged actions he/she did to us? The thing about forgiveness is that it doesn’t happen by forgetting the wrong instead, it’s about stopping the negativity of hate and want of vengeance from controlling you. If you were to prefer forgetting, it provides temporary relief but at some point in your life, you’d be occupied to put forward your energy in ignoring the pain rather than facing it. To forget the pain, it has to start from forgiving. Forgetting pain can come after once we have come to fully accept your circumstances. However, again, in my opinion, forgiveness does not mean the pain becomes non-existent because it only helps to ease you from the pain and leave the memories behind.

However, having said that, you are also not obliged to fix or stay longer in a toxic relationship, or wait for that someone to change. There is no need for you to get back and reconcile to the same person who has hurt you. You have spared yourself the hurt by letting go and at the same time, you don’t need find their actions acceptable or justifiable. Forgiveness heals you from the power of the other person from controlling you and how you feel.

How Do I Forgive Someone?
1. Recognise Your Pain and Emotions

It’s really hard to face raw emotions and it is also the reason why most of us tend to choose to ignore them, hoping that they would go away if we try not to think about them for as long as we could. All the same, your pain and emotions are valuable human experiences and just like everything about you, they deserve to be recognised and given attention to. You will feel exposed, yes, but at least now you will know how you’re feeling about the person who has hurt you and the actions they’ve done.

It'll be scary at the beginning to allow yourself to feel, but it will get better. Once you've accepted the emotion, you know it can't hunt you down again. Then, reflect on why you feel affected by what they did and once you stop resisting your own pain, you’ll have a clearer mind in what to do next.

2. Give Yourself Time to Heal

Forgiveness doesn’t have to come instantly. I don’t think everybody is capable of that and I admit I don’t think I can be that forgiving with a snap of the fingers. At the very least, I need time to wrap my head around what happened, how I feel towards the issue and then I can think straight. You can’t force yourself to forgive like how you cannot pressure somebody else to do the same. If you need more time to reflect, to digest your situation better, by all means, do whatever you need to come to terms with yourself and the person who offended you.

There are some of us who need more time forgive ourselves before we can do the same to others. Some of us beat ourselves for what happened, wondered why we didn’t predict what was to happen, and how we could let it happen to us etc. We need to come to the realisation that we did the best that we could in that situation and we can live through this, just like how we managed to live through all the other obstacles we faced before.

3. And Now, We Think About The Other Person

This might be as difficult as it is to accept our emotions. In this step, we need to put ourselves in that other person's shoes. That’s right, the very person who has hurt you. We have to admit that people can be imperfect and act irrationally, just like how we have our own moments of the same behaviour. Forgiveness needs us to understand the other person and that nobody can be perfect or pleasant at all times. We have hurt our friends or family too but we preserve those special relationships because we forgive them as well as willing to understand, and vice versa. We all need forgiveness and that includes the person who has hurt you.

Forgiveness can be a long process. It won’t or rarely happens overnight. Nor does it take a couple of encouraging words from your part or someone else’s for you to forgive somebody who has hurt you. Whatever the situation, you’re just as hurt as that person is scarred from what they’ve done to you. To move on from the past, to enjoy the time you have in the present, you need to forgive. As Carolin Müller said in INSIDER, “Our life is so short, but if you live only in the past you can never enjoy your present." 

References:
Psychentral // INSIDER // Psychology Today // Mayo Clinic // Medium