Coming to Terms with Myself

Syazwani Izzati · Relationship Series: Coming to Terms with Myself

I'm not sure what sort of post this one will be but I think it's one that I know I can't put off in my drafts forever. At some point, it has to come out and I have to sit down and write about it. I also want my readers and friends to know that it's okay to be real with yourself, with every inch of the beautiful and insecurities that makes you... you. 

I really wish to wake up one day and realise that I'm fully contented with how I am. I just can't fathom how amazing that would feel if it were to come true one day. Just when your mind resets itself and you realise you have very little to no issues with yourself. It would probably be comparable to waking up early in the morning without a buzzing alarm clock to annoy you so early in the day, and you'd have a few small moments to just stare contently at the plain ceiling above you, not thinking of anything in particular. Just happy.

Either I watch way too many movies about how people wake up like this at the start of the scene or this is just how I've always envisioned what a calm fulfilling life would be like. 

Consistently working on yourself

I came across Suraya's weekly blog post last week (I LOVE her posts, I've never missed once) and one of the articles that she mentioned called "You Don't Have to Work on Yourself Forever" really struck me. I read through the entire width of the post, I had to lean back after I was done digesting everything and I realised that I've been nurturing this habit of always looking at myself like I wasn't enough. There was just always something not quite right about a part of me that I wasn't happy to look at. 

Perhaps the worst part of the situation is that while maybe the world sees me as a perfectly promising human who can give a lot back to others, I rarely see myself with that amount of potential to do just that. I've been telling myself that I'm not yet "complete" until I get these sets of skills that everybody seem to have and prosper through it, I can't be enough until I land my dream job within the next month, I'm not close to perfect until I can stand on my own two feet and not feeling bothered by what I think people have to say about me. 

I've set so many preconditions about how I think I should be that I don't realise where I am now is good enough. I'm not saying I should feel contented to stay within my safe zone forever, but I want to reprogram how I think and appreciate the small and big feats I conquer each day. To feel that I can celebrate myself for who I am and not see her as a work in progress project.

As the You Don't Have to Work on Yourself Forever article goes:

“You are not a project, you are a person. You are allowed to just be. This whole thing is optional, you are under no obligation to make yourself do it.”

Being 'OK' with failures

As much as I want to change to becoming better, I have to also be realistic with how life works... and with myself. At some point, I have to realise that when I'm met with setbacks or my progress is slowing down or deteriorating, it doesn't mean that I'm failing. It just means that it is an opportunity for me to exercise how I can handle tough situations and learn a side of me I didn't know about. I have a whole life to live through insyaallah at figuring myself out that this shouldn't feel like a race or worse, a school exams (gosh no). 

Sometimes, I have to take a breather and look back to how far I've come and see for myself all the things I've done. I think I've achieved a lot of things to get to where I am now, but all these worrying have put them in my blind spot until I can't see all the achievements I've made. 

I'm quite critical and harsh to myself because deep inside, I know I can be the best but I'm also afraid to believe in that. I think that is the problem because it pulls me back from just jumping out to the next opportunity and going with the flow. And when I crash and burn, I don't acknowledge that pain and the feelings that come with 'falling' because I have this mindset, that the pain I feel is not valid compared to what others go through. which in my viewpoint, is selfish for me to think I'm hurting when others go through worse. 

I've forgotten to be kind to myself as I've tried to be towards others. I've disregarded from prioritising my feelings when I should instead of looking away and hide them under the rug - pretending that they don't exist. I haven't changed for the better as much but at least I'm beginning to see that I have a chance. I hope what I'm going through is somewhat relevant to others who sometimes feel a little lost, questioning where they should be in life right now when really, that totally depends on you.

Personal update:

Hi everyone! Wow, it's been a pretty long while since I last typed anything in here, hasn't it? How's everyoneeee? Initially, I had thought of taking a small break from blogging to collect fresh new inspirations but somehow, that plan went down the drain and it dragged on for 2-3 months. It was totally unintentional, I kept thinking that it was just last month when I uploaded my recent post. My bad, this lady really needs a blogging calendar to keep herself up-to-date for real. Anyway, I hope you guys loved what I wrote today. I want to be real with myself, something I've been running away from for a while. I hope you all stay safe and feel free to drop your thoughts below!