🧁 I'm a February Baby 🧁

🧁 I'm a February Baby 🧁

11 February 2020

I celebrated my birthday not too long ago and it somehow transformed into a full week of birthday surprises and wonderful gifts. If you've been around my blog long enough, you probably noticed that I just about rarely talk about my birthday because a) I don't really celebrate it, b) because I don't hype it up, nobody knows and finally, c) I haven't planned out how my initial responses will be if I got surprised with a celebration for me. Am I supposed to burst into tears? Smile until my cheeks hurt? I mean, is there a guidebook on ''HOW TO REACT REASONABLY TO A ONCE IN A BLUE MOON BIRTHDAY SURPRISE FOR YOU"??? Turns out that this year was a little different and I'm showered with surprises left and right for at least 2-3 days straight.

I had wonderful birthday gifts this year including a poetry book from my all time favourite poet, Atticus whose book is called "The Truth About Magic", a super pretty velvety blouse from my roomie, a silky beautiful grey baju kurung, chocolates and snacks, and cutie birthday cards. I didn't think of what I wanted this year but the precious people in my life seem to know exactly what to get for me. There were also slices of tasty birthday cakes thrown into my surprises and with that, ladies and gentleman, my cravings for cakes have been fueled to the max to last me for the rest of the year. I'll never again ask more cakes... But I mean, we will just have to see how far that perseverance will last.

We managed to gather some of our close friends in our masters degree batch to a dinner and had a quick catching up session. Most have already completed their masters and are either working or searching for a job. I'm so proud of them and the stories we brought to the table!! Laughing till my stomach exploded is a complete understatement.
Location: Serai @ Jaya Shopping Centre

I received two EXQUISITE boxes of clothes this year with one containing a pretty rusty orange blouse. It feels so soft and velvety to the touch with a cute bow at the waist. I'll wear this for LIFE. It's the most adorable blouse I own now. HAHAHA And the second one like I mentioned earlier is a silky grey baju kurung that I was oggling at for the past year. I wore both outfits during my dinners and events that I had last week. Thank youuuuu to the two precious people in my life for these precious gifts. You know who you are! <3

Accompanying the blouse, my roomie also arranged for a surprise birthday cake with a red squiggly birthday wish for me. The Secret Recipe waiter had lit a candle that was on the cake and sang a birthday song. MY FACE WAS ON FIRE. I didn't know if it was because of all the attention I was getting or the huge weird smile permanently plastered to my face, but I was soooo happy! I ate the rest of my cake and dinner till I felt like I was going to explode for the second day in a row.

I was also gifted with a beautiful book from an even more beautiful soul who understood my deep love for poetry. I had almost forgotten that Atticus's third book is now published and simply WAITING for me to get my hands on it. Thank YOU for this present! I know it'll be sitting faithfully at my bedside for weeks until I've memorised my favourite poems in the book.

Happy Birthday to all February babies out there! I hope your birthday in 2020 is a blast!

Check out these recent posts since you're here and don't forget, drop a hello in the comment section!

🧁️ [Relationship Series] Does Insecurity Kills the Cat?

🧁️ 2019, What a Time to Be Alive

🧁️ November 2019 Wrap Up

Does Insecurity Kills the Cat?

Does Insecurity Kills the Cat?

26 January 2020

Insecurity is a lot more common than we think. Between you and I, everybody in this world has some levels or aspects of insecurities they're clinging to. Perhaps for some of us, we're more anxious to break free from the many unanswered "what-ifs" questions we beat ourselves with. At some point of our lives I'm sure we've come to the realisation that our insecurities, whatever form they may be, are taking a toll on our lives and relationships, and it's actually exhausting to face it by yourself. In some instances, you might be so overwhelmed with these thoughts that you'd hurt the ones who you actually love as well.

Before we truly begin with the topic on insecurities in the context of human relationships, I'd like to just point out that I'm clearly not an expert in this sort of discussion. My own experience in battling my inner turmoils and talking it out with a few kind souls that I trust are enough to convince me that it's okay to talk about it in public. Let's face it, we've all come across the same problem a couple of times in our lives.

If you're not confident about yourself, then how do you expect to believe in someone who thinks the world of you?

I came across similar sayings like this in movies and even in conversation exchanges between friends. It strikes to me because it truly shows how insecurities can block a lot of good things into your life, including believing in yourself and others. I don't think a mere post can change my life for the better, but it could be a step to realising that I have a problem and that I can fix it... step by step.

What is insecurity?

According to Good Therapy, insecurities involves having a lack of confidence and self-worth that some people perceive about themselves in their lives. In some instances, being a little insecure isn't entirely a bad thing. Feeling a bit jealous or possessive that is expressed within a safe boundary is still considered healthy. However, the moment our insecurities lead to actions and make us grow more dependent on someone, it changes the game entirely.

When we're in a relationship with somebody without our self-worth, we give ourselves little choice but to depend on that very relationship to complete the missing pieces. When this isn't reciprocated, we break apart and that's how our relationship feel the side-effects of our insecurities.

Here are just some examples of instances that showcase insecurities by PsychCentral. Do you spot any that relate to you? To be honest, I feel slightly attacked with some (insert inner laugh-cry here):

1. Pushing yourself to be extra nicer or giving to get someone's attention or support.
2. More focused on pleasing others than fulfilling your own feelings and needs.
3. Have a major fear of unwanted scenarios like rejection or abandonment.
4. Can be easily overwhelmed with emotions and need the help of others to calm you down.
5. Have trouble to express/open yourself up to others so you focus on their interests instead (can be overwhelming for that other person).
6. Purposefully choose partners who you perceive as "distant" so that you need to work in getting their attention and ensure the relationship is intact. The downside? It pushes your belief that you're not good enough (you're working to make things work).

Sue me, I have insecurites. What do I do?

We've heard of this many times, but I'll put it out here to nail it to my head too: your relationship with YOURSELF is worth everything and that is why having awareness to form a better inner relationship with yourself is important. The success of your relationship with another person all comes down to how you view yourself in the first place, which will reflect your actions and behaviour with others. You may be a wonderful person to be with but your insecurities, if they're not pushed aside, can stop you from fully expressing who you are.

1. If you critic yourself too hard, then change tactics. Channel that same energy to convince yourself otherwise. Remind yourself with reasons why you're an interesting person. There are people in your life who love to have you around. Tell yourself how your existence made a difference in someone else's life.
2. Set realistic goals about changing yourself and drop your inner-perfectionist. You can't be a different person overnight. If you want to be better, you have to celebrate every little detail of you as you change. Even if you flopped a little, you're trying and that's always better than nothing at all.
3. Keep your relationships with family and friends alive. You gain more strength in a relationship when you know you have a backup plan if things don't work out. Have steady, quality relationships with other people you trust that you can fall back to if things go wrong. There's more than one source of happiness in our lives.

"Insecurity breeds insecurity" as Dr. Randi Gunther wrote in her article. This was used to describe an analogy or a consequence when our insecurities continue to be let loose even when our loved ones try to heal us. They would scrutinise their own worth in the relationship when nothing works or little of what they did actually made you feel better. There is so much that someone can do to help make us feel better. In the end, you need to realise that you have that upperhand to face yourself straight on and love yourself. 

👋 2019, What a Time to Be Alive

👋 2019, What a Time to Be Alive

31 December 2019

How would I reflect on my life this year? What do I make of the good and bad that happened? 

To be honest, I'm not so sure. There's just something about 2019 that overall doesn't sit very well with me. I've gone through a lot, mostly fighting through my mental battles and just trying to stay in one piece without breaking at the edges. Things were tough and I feel that way strongly about 2019. Of course, I'm not going to brood about this very long because let's face it, I want to get 2019 done and over with as much as the next person does. At the same time, I won't sugarcoat my words and pretend things were completely fine. I wish I can recall all the things that happened but when you have the memory of a squirrel, it doesn't work well. 

But with that, there were definitely some very good things worth to remember about this year. The things I achieved were achievements I never thought I would have the strength and enough opportunities to do. The friends and family who stood by me and believed that I could do anything I set my mind to even when I lost faith in myself are priceless. And at the end of the day, I realised that things will piece in together and turn out for the better. What I needed was a little bit of faith and magic (of course not the latter) to see it through the end. 

I'm not hoping to make new resolutions for 2020. What I am hoping for is that I would give myself more credit, be a little kinder and strive to better myself within my means. 

AAANDDD..... THANK YOU FOR READING!

I hope you had a great year in 2019 and perhaps an even better year in 2020. 

Lots of love, 

Wani

💃 November 2019 Wrap Up

💃 November 2019 Wrap Up

28 November 2019

It's been a couple of months of mostly involving me coming back here and ended up empty-handed, not quite sure of what to write next. I've been around of course, just blogwalking from one blog to another but I didn't manage to light up any hints of inspirations to write one of my own. It's been like that for almost FOUR WHOLE MONTHS. And now that I have dared to spell that out, the guilt does without a doubt bear a heavy weight on me.

That being said, a lot has happened since then and now I'm ready to pour it all out. The best way to do that? Summarise them all in the most acceptable and coherent way possible - a list. 

Now making a list is a completely new thing for me. I'm fairly sure I haven't ever posted a monthly wrap up or anything of the sort in my blog. Let's be real here, there can be days, weeks or months when nothing out of the ordinary happens and worth to write about. When we're talking about my life in particular, the closest thing that's exciting or unique is playing with my cat, Leo or having those super rare weekends when I literally just not do anything. And take a break, whatever that means. 

Well, that is until just lately.

1. Recited some of my poems for the first time in public.

Open Mic Night was organised by SSAUM or the Sudanese Association in University Malaya. I found their event poster by chance as I was scrolling through Instagram (nothing new here) and I had this weird need to JOIN IN. Not as an audience but an actual performer. I've made tons of poems of my own for the past few years and my only readers comprise of my friends on Instagram. I wanted to see what reactions my poem can gather from a crowd. Would they like it? How would I be like standing on a stage reciting my poems, word by word out loud? The thought itself almost drove me nuts because I was battling with my inner self that joining in was a good idea and that I wasn't going to combust and die of fright at the front. That it was also chance I never thought I needed.

Turns out it was probably the best decision I've ever made. Although I couldn't come up with freshly written poems to fit with the theme that night, I think the audience (who were so supportive by the way) loved it. I even made one new friend who approached me and gushed over my poems and wanted to read them for herself from my notes! If another similar opportunity were to come my way again, I'd definitely sign up without a second thoughts. The experience really does feel magical.

2. Just barely surviving through my master's degree (ongoing).

I'm still furthering my studies in UM and trying to survive my third semester in ONE piece. It's currently Week 11 which means I have approximately 4-5 weeks left to get everything done. Procrastination is no longer a choice available for me or just about anyone to choose  and the only thing we can do is to face the music and march to our deaths. Things will only get uglier from now on. I can feel it in my bones.  

3. Watched Frozen 2. I know, I must have been possessed.

This has been by far the least expected thing I thought I would do. If I had told the younger me back in 2013-2014 that I would pay to sit and watch the second installment of the movie... she would have buried me alive. I was basically (and still is) not a fan of the movie, especially the first one. Even as a teen, I felt that it lacks a solid plot, the characters are a little hard to like and the crazy fan-base just throws me off entirely. However, after seeing the second movie trailer released on the Internet and seeing how hopeful everyone was about it, I was... intrigued. Well, maybe that isn't the most accurate word to use but it did linger in my mind for a while. Elsa was just super badass doing her stuff out there and Olaf??? He was comical! I gave Frozen 2 a solid 8.5 stars because it really did get me hooked. 

4. Welcomed my old favourite hobby - watching anime!

Perhaps this may be of a surprise to some people, but I'm quite a huge fan of anime and mange. Before there were K-Dramas and Netflix, I spent a huge chunk of my childhood pouring through anime (my first watch was Fruit Basket!). I haven't watched much of them since school and only until recently did my interest piqued again through honestly AMAZING anime shows like The Rising of the Shield Hero, Demon Hunter, The Promised Neverland, Fate/Stay Night series, etc. 

 

5. Grew a horrible sleep routine and now trying to fix it back.

Feeling mostly sleep deprived during my waking hours is not what I thought I would consider as part of my monthly wrap up but it is significant enough to make it to the list. I'm very much aware of how much I'm pushing my sleeping schedule limits these days and it has reached to a point that its becoming a typical routine for me. I stay up late into the night and wake up early 4-5 hours later. Over time, it does wear me down fast and so to counter the problem, I'm currently trying to lessen the hours I spend to work at night so that I have more time to take a decent amount of quality sleep. I'm done waking up to feeling grouchy and sluggish every day. And not to mention, EYEBAGS?? No magical concealer in the world can hide them now.

6. Been doing my everyday makeup in the dark for the past 1 month. I'm officially an owl now.

I... don't even know how to begin to explain why this happens but it's exactly what it says. I'm now an expert in doing makeup in the dark with zero to minimal lighting because the lamp in my room has been burnt out for about a month. Fixing it would require not just the technical knowledge needed to connect the necessary wires to a new bulb, but also the agility and courage to climb up a ladder and stay balanced throughout the whole procedure. I should also mention to you that the ceiling is wayyyyyyy up high and out of reach for most people with my height plus ladder. 

I'm not sure if it'll ever be fixed but I have my ways of getting things done even without the lighting.

7. Subscribed to an AMAZING new podcast programme - The Happiness Lab.

  

This may be one of the most pleasant new things I've managed to pick up this month - subscribing to podcast shows! I've discovered that I prefer listening to talks and conversations than to music in the mornings when I'm bustling about to get ready for class. Personally, it sort of warms up (theoretically speaking) my social battery so that I'm more motivated to actually socialise on my own free will. It's a huge help for me to build that right mood to start my day and the best part is, I actually learn a lot from some of these shows.

One of my favourites so far would be listening to The Happiness Lab by Dr. Laurie Santos who shares on the latest scientific discoveries and stories about happiness. Because it's about science, it might scare a few of you off because it's not everybody's cup of tea to having to listen to heavy stuff so early in the day. Well, it did catch me by surprise by just how casual and easy to follow the whole show is. The best part? The topics just get to me and my favourites that I have just recently listened to this week include: 

• You Can Change
• A Silver Lining
• Mistakenly Seeking Solitude

I've also received suggestions to listen to other podcast shows too like Ear Biscuits which I'll give a try soon! If you have some recommendations of your own to share with me, leave them in the comment section! I'm so new to listening to podcasts.

8. I'm suddenly super obsessed with ASMR videos because they work for me!

Okay, remember that I mentioned how I've been struggling to get some sleep lately? I found that some particular ASMR videos work wonders to lull me to sleep for hours. In fact, I've even curated a special playlist with video selections that I think work best for both during my assignment sessions and sleep. You can check them out right here.

It's funny how I used to think that I was on the wrong side of YouTube whenever I watched some of these videos. These days, they're a life saviour for stubborn sleepless people like me. 

9. Learnt that teeth retainers should be worn FOR LIFE. 

YES, THAT'S RIGHT. Teeth retainers are meant to be worn for the rest of your life, especially for those of us who used to have braces. I didn't even know about this until one unexpected day later when I came across Suraya's blog post, How I Spent Over RM10k During My Braces Journey. I was petrified. Suddenly my whole five years of teeth-retainer free days came spiraling down in front of my eyes in one big mess. In that same week I discovered to my horror that my teeth may have possibly been moving around in the five years I allowed it to roam free, I booked for an appointment to make new teeth retainers at the UM Dental Clinic (my old one is long gone) and I'm now waiting for the mould to be ready by next week.

I can't imagine how painful it'll be to wear a teeth retainer again after all these years but at this point, pain is the least of my worries. I just want to be in the best of shape. Haha!

This post has finally come to an end along with my current updates on things I've done this month. I hope you like it as much as I do and I'm looking forward to what next month has to offer (psssst Big Bad Wolf Bookfair!!!). Until then, see you next time!

😳 [My Stories] If Only I Wasn't So Afraid...

😳 [My Stories] If Only I Wasn't So Afraid...

7 October 2019

WELL, WELL, WELL. A fresh new topic to get my weaknesses spread around the Internet? Getting my readers more depressed with my weekly posts? Well again, not really. I think this is more for the purpose of getting it out there that despite how I look around people, I'm actually really shy. Okay, so maybe shy isn't the right word I would use and I know my friends would rather rip their brains out of their heads than associate "shy" with me.

No, the problem with me is not that I'm just shy, but I'm sometimes a little frustrated by how much I hesitate to push away my fears, insecurities and the many "what-ifs" before making decisions and do something for myself. I get it, being a little cautious is not necessarily a bad thing but if that results in stopping me from getting what I want, then I need to rethink how I handle myself in these situations.

I realise that I have missed out on opportunities that could have been big for me. Things like voicing out my emotions when the time calls for it rather than keeping it stored inside. Things like making more effort to ask how my friends are doing and meeting up. Or even read through the ginormous amount of freshly bought books I never touched because I'm worried I'd read too much and time passes by when I have other things to do too.

You know, they're all just little things that if done right, I know I have spent my day well.

Here are some things I hope to tick off in the next one or two years:

1. Become a better listener and an even better composed person at giving advices.
2. Take my OWN advices as well.
3. If I'm not happy about something, SAY IT.
4. Avoid getting into toxic topics on social media just so that I can brag that I'm up-to-date with current news.
5. Eat healthier, exercise more. It's not embarrassing to sprawl on the floor, exhausted in my apartment and letting my housemates question my motives. 
6. Dress up and makeup the way I like.
7. Keep my plants healthy for the rest of the year.
8. Don't be afraid to be heard in a group of friends.
9. Believe that you're doing just fine. Just because things are tough, it doesn't mean you're failing. You're surviving.
10. To accept that despite my many insecurities and weaknesses, I have my strengths too.
11. And despite how I am, there are people who love my company.

Inspired by Wit & Delight

🤷 [College Stuff] Blog Hiatus: Sis, What Happened to You?

🤷 [College Stuff] Blog Hiatus: Sis, What Happened to You?

1 October 2019

What did happen to me? I'm still a bit confused and dazed myself as to everything that had happened this month. I also think that it's been about that same amount of time I was last seen alive and well in this blog. Time just has a way of dragging you away to deal with your life commitments and by the time you're here, in this blog, you don't know WHERE to even start.

I'm currently a Master's Degree student at the University of Malaya and being in my 3rd semester now, things have started off pretty fast. No, scratch that, it's been pretty much BULLET-TRAIN-SPEED STYLE lately. Yes, we did get a little break from that crazy haze season about two weeks ago and our lecturers converted our usual lectures to e-learning mode. BUT there was just as much work as any other normal day. It didn't help either that that "time of the month" decided to drop by and say hello PLUS being sick that entire specific week (first time this year). At the end of all that, nobody blamed me for questioning for the hundredth time, "Why me." I was in such a sorry state. haha!

However, things have drastically slowed down since then. I'm at my 4th week in the semester and I'm adapting to the class setting a lot better. Keeping up with weekly lectures and assignments is bearable now that I have organised everything in a systematic planner. As far as I can tell, I haven't slowed down in committing to each recorded task. I have to be this meticulous with planning my time because I'm such a worrywart when things abruptly pop up and I don't know where to include it in my daily plans of tasks/commitments.

I'll update more soon, perhaps over this weekend as I'll be off joining a few events here and there. Let's just all PRAY that I'd remember to take pictures so that I have some colourful content to add in this lonely blog of mine. Until then, thanks for reading!

🐈 It's Time You Meet Leo

🐈 It's Time You Meet Leo

4 September 2019

Sometimes, I find it very hard to take myself seriously and it's usually about anything that has to do with this blog. Since "😳[Relationship Series] I'm An Introvert" was posted a month ago, there has been little life here. Actually, more could have been said and shared, and I was around blogwalking from one amazing blog to another. Still, I just couldn't find that feeling of writing anything. 

That is until today. I've been keeping it to myself for a while (excluding my social media heheh) and I'm ready to dedicate a special introduction about him. In fact, I really believe it can sort of make up for the seriously long and unnecessary blog hiatus I've taken. 

I want to talk about LEO.

Who is Leo? Well, take a fine good look at him💖:

The sweetest ball of floof ever!

Leo is a mixed breed (Persion/Local) kitten we've recently taken under our wings since about two weeks ago. I wrote a long story about how he came to our doorstep in my stories but I'll spare you the details.

He's about four weeks old and is already learning to play and sniff around the house to explore. We're currently keeping him separated in a spare toilet specially dedicated to be his temporary bedroom. This is totally necessary because we already have a 3-year old cat, Dessi living in with us and she's a mighty jealous feline with the most horrible social skills you can find anywhere. While we wait till he grows a little older, Dessi can learn to get used to his scent and seeing him being paraded around the house from afar. She still hisses a little whenever she sees him but that's just about it for now.

At first when we found Leo, he was in a really bad shape. A male cat had isolated him out from the rest of the litter who were living next door and dropped him from a high wall that separated between both our houses. We had attempted to put Leo back to be with his mother again but not long after, the same male cat dropped him back on the concrete floor in our backyard. After what happened, we couldn't risk putting him back in case the male cat was around and that maybe he wouldn't survive the third fall. We wrapped him up in a fresh new towel and placed him inside a basket outside our kitchen. As much as we wanted to take him in, he just seemed so young and small for us to care for him. His mother was his best option.

The second night we had Leo

Unfortunately, his mother never claimed him and we decided that his fate was better with us. That was about two weeks ago and it felt like such a long time. He's fitting right in with all of us and I think we missed having a kitten to play with and take care of. He's a stark contrast to Dessi and in a way, we like the difference. While Dessi is more of a tough hunter sort of cat who keeps the house pest-free from cockroaches, flies, lizards, etc., Leo is gentle and likes to cuddle his fellow hoomans. There's a good balance having them around the house and I am SO GOING TO MISS HIM once the semester starts next week. T_T

Another great news is that another kitten from the same litter got rescued too and is safely being cared for by our neighbour. His name is Baby (don't ask but you have to admit, it suits him) and he is such an angel! He was in a similarly bad shape when he was found, what with the recent heavy rain and the fact that we think their mother had abandoned them. Baby was very skinny, with cramps in his back legs so that when he walked, he was sort of limping. He's currently recovering from worms and the last I've heard about him is that he's gaining some weight and making his hoomans very happy. I can't wait for Leo and Baby to meet up someday!

Baby

This may not be the kind of post you were expecting from me after weeks of being MIA. Still, I think I could do with a break from producing more posts for the relationship series until another great idea appears. I have about a week left before the new semester begins and Leo is doing a great job at keeping me busy all day. I hope I can come home every weekend to see how he's doing (and Dessi of course heh). 

What do you think about Leo? Do you have a special furry friend like Leo at home too? Share your stories with me!

I'm An Introvert

I'm An Introvert

30 July 2019

Whether most are aware of this or not - I'm an introvert. I'm not sure if it's just me or this is something a lot of introverts face whenever we have to disclose what sort of person we are, but the reactions we get can sometimes be priceless. Some people who personally know me in real life think it's a far fetched notion and refuse to believe that I am one, while for others, it just makes sense. It's not that hard to picture me enjoying my time with small company, skipping small talks and chatting about something real and quietly excusing myself just to recharge my "social battery" with what a little bit of seclusion can offer.

Being an introvert has its many perks but to be honest, it took a while for me to come around and  acknowledge that part about me. One reason for this is because back then, I honestly didn't like being one. There's actually nothing wrong with being an introvert but the world seems to have a different perspective on that. They label us as shy, lacking of confidence and quiet. "I wish you speak up more" and "You're a little bit quiet, aren't you?" are just some of the comments I think we all have heard of before.

My point here is, we're not seen as sociable creatures in contrast to those with a more bubbly personality that everybody thinks should be the way for everyone else. However, I think it's funny that such expectations are there for us because if everybody is talking all at once, who is actually listening and critically analysing what is being said? And if everybody is talking, it just makes it harder to give turns for others to participate and contribute. We advocate things like acceptance of diversity among people but imposing the idea that being different or at least in this case, an introvert, is defective goes against everything we stand for.

Being an introvert doesn't make you any less successful than others and I think where I stand now is a good proof of that. I don't know if anybody has noticed this but the gap duration between when this post was published and the previous one is pretty big. It has nothing to do with me being busy but I was actually having a pretty hard time to talk about this topic in the best way that I can. It's really personal and that's what made it so difficult because I'm not used to writing about MYSELF.

I recently came across this website by PURE LUCK and for all the introverts out there, it is a safe haven to read up about yourself and know how much you're worth it. I wish I can whip up a better post but I think this is the best that I can do (for now). Until next timeeee, thank you for reading!

Photo credit above: Georgia de Lotz on Unsplash

What If You're the Toxic One?

What If You're the Toxic One?

9 July 2019

In today’s post, I’d like to dive in a little deeper to a different topic that somewhat relates to what I was talking about in my previous post: [Relationship Series] Be Selfish: Build That Self-Love. Loving yourself unconditionally is and should always will be your top priority and because of that, accepting your flaws is one way to prove to yourself that you have what it takes to be a better you. 

You know how we’re always told to avoid toxicity and the people it possesses like there’s fire burning at our heels? It’s true, we should, we must. But then again, nobody can truly run far from being toxic. I’m not validating or supporting the people who make our lives miserable because believing that being toxic is simply a personality trait is nothing but a terribly weak excuse. What I do believe in though is that as a human being, we’re all made up of a ball of complexity with all the good and bad bits that make us who we are. We’re not entirely perfect but there’s never real pressure to be one. Who needs to be? 

We may be a good or bad person (or both), but whoever we are, I think just about anyone can fall into toxicity – this includes ourselves too and at some point of our lives, we have to admit that there could be times when we may be contributing to our own hardships. 

🌼 You're Not Alone...

Personally, I'm guilty of this problem and I also know that the people I keep close have spotted several of my toxic behaviours. So, just as it is difficult for you to read this, it’s hard for me to admit my flaws out in the open too. My purpose to write this post is so that I can raise some awareness that toxicity doesn’t always have to come from somebody else. Sometimes, we can hurt ourselves and others more than we think. To be less toxic means we’re working to become a better person, to be somebody we would like – drama and toxic free. 

🌼 It's Not The End. You're Actually Getting Better!

Having somebody else like me to say straight up to you that “You’re toxic” is a tough fact to swallow. Believe me, it’s hard for me to accept that I can sometimes be THE problem too. To remember those times when I overanalysed situations and think the worst of somebody else. To giving excuses for myself and my accountability for problems I thought had nothing to do with me. To the times when I rationalised that somebody else’s pain could never triumph over my own. 

The problem when you start realising you’re toxic is that the guilt can be terribly overwhelming. But it’s okay to feel those things because self-awareness doesn’t come easy. Being mature about yourself is to admit that you can be imperfect and knowing that there’s always a way to work on them. However, being toxic means deflecting that possibility. 

🌼 How Do I Spot Toxicity When I See It?

You don’t. Well, at least it’s not as obvious as you think it is. Just as Chelsy Ranard described in The Ladders, toxicity can mean how you make people feel and the kind of vibes you’re sending them. Some of the signs you may spot may include these:

💀 You tend to exercise control over others
💀 Blame others first for your problems
💀 It's not easy to let go of the things or people that hurt you
💀 You express love or admiration when you're after something
💀 It's hard to admit you can be wrong to someone
💀 Listening patiently to others is hard
💀 Many people have little to compliment about you and you make many enemies, etc.

How we can be toxic isn't only limited in romantic relationships. It can happen in family relationships, friendships, work relationships, etc. Even if we're completely toxic-free with our partner or friends, it might not be the same case with somebody else we know. Sometimes, we let ourselves get carried away with being toxic because we think we have little to lose.

🌼 Life Isn't Over Yet. You Can Turn Things The Right Way Around.

I'd like to remind us again that we're not perfect, nobody is. Realising that we're a toxic person doesn't mean that our fates are sealed to become one forever. We can change that and it starts from doing something about it. Toxic behaviours are learned but we can also remove them over time. We can start with stopping from gossiping, being less rude to have attention and respect, avoiding judging others and assuming without basis, quitting on acting out on our emotions and anger and reminding ourselves to start noticing the effects our actions and words have on others and how we react to that. 

Toxicity can affect even the best of us. Breaking ourselves away from its chains cannot happen overnight because these things naturally take time. Remind yourself as you break one chain at a time that we can only be happier once we let go of the things that keep the best of life away. 

References:
1. The List 
2. Medium 
3. Mind Body Green 
4. The Ladders 

Be Selfish: Build That Self-Love

Be Selfish: Build That Self-Love

27 June 2019

Loving others comes easy but when it's about applying that same feeling to ourselves, it's complicated and sometimes we take ourselves for granted. Perhaps the feeling comes more easily when it's about overlooking whatever faults or imperfections others may have, but we can't be equally generous in forgiving ourselves. I think it comes from the urgency to be better, to be the best image of perfection we can be and because of that, anything less simply won't do.

I never thought there'd come a day I'll be writing on something like this. Not ever and for many good reasons with one in particular - I'm battling my own uninvited demons from time to time. With something like that going on, it's hard to convince myself that I can be THE person who gives people bits of advices on how they should handle theirs. Despite that, this may be a step for me to see myself in a better light and because so many of us are also similarly facing the same thing, perhaps we can talk about how to better ourselves in terms of giving the heart a break and some love. 

But do take note that this post isn't going to be a mindblowing post from me nor can I guarantee that it will it heal your hearts. I can only hope that it will help you to know that you're not alone. For you to be happier, it has to start from you and you should never be the person to give up on yourself. With that in mind, here are a few points for us to think about on our way to self-love and self-acceptance:

🌼 Perfection? Oh, we don't know her...         

One problem that we unconsciously do to ourselves is setting conditions to our self-love. To let yourself go and be happy, you need to first lose some weight, get those As, land that dream job you've always wanted and the list goes on. Of course, there's nothing wrong to have a list of goals you want to achieve someday, but it doesn't mean you can't appreciate the human being you are as of this moment. We also sometimes forget that not being able to achieve any of these things doesn't make us a failure either. Some things just take more time and a few more attempts to work before we can get them. At one point, you either get them or don't... or something better appears in its place.

I think personally, this is an advice that's the hardest for me to swallow and accept. This is simply because I've always been driven to be the best at whatever I do. Failing to meet the standards I've set for myself means I've lost and getting back up to try again would be impossible. And sometimes, I feel that I need to fulfil expectations of others when really, putting myself first and what matters to me the most should be the priority.

🌼 Sometimes, it's a matter of choice...

Leah Davis in The Sweetest Way wrote:

When you’re making poor choices, choices that defy what you know in your heart to be right, you never will know self-love.

It's hard to love yourself when you don't make good choices in your life. We make it an impossible task to see what's there to love about ourselves when our choices don't define who we are. It's true, we don't have any control of what's to happen to us but we do have the power over ourselves and how we deal with different circumstances. Making choices we don't feel are right can lead to a never-ending cycle of guilt and frustration, and self-love may seem to be the last thing you think you're entitled to.

Occasionally I've been in that situation before where making the bad choices seem the easiest way out in dealing with my problems. Later I learnt that sometimes the good choices aren't easy to take up but when I do, I feel proud of myself. For once, I think I'm back on track at figuring out life.

🌼 Express how you feel...

Although I'm still working on self-love, I've noticed that opening up my feelings to those who I trust makes things a little more bearable. It took a lot of advices and assurances to be drilled into my head that it's okay to unburden all those feelings to someone else who can share it with me. Saying "I'm fine" which mirrors the exact opposite of how I feel makes me feel more alone and it doesn't solve my problems either. Of course, it takes time for me to even disclose my feelings because I like to get a hold of myself first. Everybody has their own timeline and different methods work differently for each of us. This may be difficult for some people such as it is for me but opening up to others doesn't make you more vulnerable. I think it's a step to honesty and embracing your feelings, both good and bad. 

When it comes to learning to love yourself and accepting the beautiful version that you are, it takes time and consistency not only on your part but the people around you too.

We need to be taught to love aspects of ourselves—again and again—by the people around us. 

 Ken Page 

🌟 What Stars Like Us Do 🌟

🌟 What Stars Like Us Do 🌟

20 June 2019

[A poem]

📺 First Time Reviewing a Movie: I am Mother [Netflix]

📺 First Time Reviewing a Movie: I am Mother [Netflix]

11 June 2019

Photo source One Angry Gamer

I haven't watched movies that extensively until just lately and based on what I can remember, I am Mother was definitely worth the watch. It's not a new "new" movie having been first screened in January this year but it was aired 3 days ago on Netflix.

😱 I'm going to puke but hey, the semester is over!

😱 I'm going to puke but hey, the semester is over!

1 June 2019

My assignment partner and I have just submitted our final assignment due for the semester and I'm still having a hard time to accept the fact that WE ARE FINALLY FREE. I hadn't had a good break or much time for myself in so long that I've forgotten how to even chill and relax. Even while I was taking my time binge-watching on Netflix all afternoon today, there was still this annoying nagging voice telling me that I have work waiting for me when I didn't. I guess it takes some time to let the "Last Week Adrenaline" rush to die down a little before I can just laze around and actually enjoy my break.

And talking about breaks, here is the best part about it. It's three freaking months long because the next upcoming semester starts in September which means THIS GIRL CAN REALLY REALLY REST UP. I can finally do all the things I've been putting on hold just so that I could focus on acing my classes this semester and come out in one piece... and let's not forget, staying sane too. Because let me tell you, IT WAS TOUGH.

When people tell you Master's is hard, they honestly weren't joking. I appreciate that they don't sugarcoat their words but I still wish I was more prepared for this semester. But who am I kidding, that's what I've been telling myself every semester since foundation year but seriously though, you will never be truly prepared. You just need to have some grit, a good strong gut, awesome support group, time your procrastination hours and never ever forget that you can break down and have a good cry when things get too overwhelming. I had many of those this semester but I had so much support from my parents and mum's ulam keeping me healthy, my super fun classmates and kind words from Rino that I could finally even be here. I thought I couldn't get through it but I'm so glad that I kept trying anyway.

I haven't really thought about what I will be doing this break but I do know that I don't want to slack and sleep away through the precious three months that I have. I mean, let's admit this together, you will never have a break this long in your life ever again, especially once you've left the studying life for good and embrace the adulting life. I want to start drawing and sketching like how I used to, reading books all day, playing with my cat Dessi till I wear myself out, learning to make a new dish in the kitchen without ruining dinner for the entire family and actually head outside in the garden because I haven't done that at all since we moved in to our new home. I can't wait to be human. That's all that I'm saying.

Oh, and since we were on the topic of books, I have two in particular that I would love to finish. They're both classic literature novels (no surprise there) and I really want to tick them off my TBR list just so that I can brag and say "I'VE READ TWO BOOKS SO FAR THIS YEAR". I used to read so much back then, easily finished a book in two days but I rarely have time to even hold one let alone read a couple of lines. But I got time now so I'll take it slow and enjoy what I have. 

I've recently watched this interesting YouTube video (can't remember what's it called but I'll get back on this ASAP) on how to read books with limited time. You basically just need to read a book or listen to an audiobook for 10 minutes a day and in a year, you can finish 10-50 books easy. It's an amazing concept that starts with something simple as sparing 10 minutes of any time of the day you can spare to read. I like that and honestly, once you can cover those teeny 10 mins, you can expand it longer as you read. Start small and it gets easier to do.

I also got new spectacles from a few weeks ago. It's totally not my typical style I usually go for. I've never tried any other designs other than the typical rectangular frames ones and I've been getting so many kind compliments about how I look. What do you guys think?

Okay, glasses aside, I think I've done this blog a huge favour by posting a super awesome update from the one and only. I want to keep writing in here throughout my break for as often as I can. Out of the many things that I missed during the semester was blogging. People weren't kidding when they said blogging makes you feel better because it does. Okay, that's enough for now, thank you for readingggg!

🙅Unraveling Week 9 of Master's Degree

🙅Unraveling Week 9 of Master's Degree

1 May 2019

Where do I even begin? I mean, I owe it to this blog and to whoever who is kind enough to drop by and check if I'm still human or half-way to becoming a corpse. I am so sorry for not posting that many updates as I wanted.

I've been unbelievingly busy and it has gotten to the point that I'm mostly working in front of my laptop during every waking hour I have. I think the one day I actually have all to myself are on Fridays and that's about it.

Life, eh?

Anyways, just as I've mentioned earlier, it is now Week 10 in the semester and many of the assignments deadlines are dangerously close. I have to think twice or a gazillion times if I want to procrastinate and try my luck that it won't hit me hard on the face later. Trust me, as a student, you have to schedule everything even time for procrastination so you know how much time you have left (but usually you don't).

Last week was a little bit stressful, to be honest. Our bedroom air-cond sort of decided she had enough serving us so she broke down for a couple of days. I'm telling you if you don't have either an aircond or a fan to ventilate your room, you-will-die. Or close to one because for almost 3 days straight, I had about just 1-2 hours of sleep that didn't involve me waking up in a sweat and contemplating to sleep outside on the sofa where it's 2x hotter. But now, she's all patched up and behaving well. This leaves me a happier, not-so-much sleep deprived me in the mornings.

If we travel even further into last week, I was also fortunate enough to watch Endgame right after class was over. It was AMAZING and I hope so much that I can watch it again. I watched it on the first day the movie was out and the crowd was so supportive. Again, the movie??? 100/10. 10 stars out of five.

I've also bought a new book that I hope to read till the end. It was an impulse purchase sort of thing but I'm not regretting having it in my possession.

This is a rather poor update of my life but I'm more than glad I can fill in you guys with what's going on lately. I'll update again soon!

xxx